It’s alway something….

Life has been lifing me lately. It seems that there is always something going on with me or some life event that is going on. I had the courage to actually start telling people what has been going on with me. I do not want to keep bottling up these thoughts and feelings. I have decided to write again as it is like therapy. “It’s always something” is what I have been hearing lately and I think it is starting to bother me. I don’t want to share anything that I am going through with anyone, yet again it’s always something.

When I get overwhelmed or stressed sometimes my body reacts in a weird way, I have seizures or sometimes I just lose my mind.

Listen, I have a whole Master’s Degree here in these streets and I have been applying for jobs left and right only to be told I am overqualified for the position or I don’t have enough experience. How can I gain experience if you don’t give me a try? I tried to create my own lane by creating a clothing brand. My clothing brand helps with my mental health most of the time which is why I created it. I get discouraged easily especially when my family isn’t supporting me like I think they should. Someone told me that’s a hard business, which I agree with and they said anybody can buy a shirt nowadays. My brand is more than a shirt it is a lifestyle, it is a message of hope, and a reminder to keep going. Anywho, I sometimes get down about that because I am not where I feel I should be in life.

Then again life has been throwing rocks and actually hitting me hard to the point I have been having a hard time getting up. I haven’t really been able to talk to anyone because I hear it’s always something with me. Right now it is always something but I have to encourage myself even though it’s always something, something is going to change and it has to get better.

Not Giving Up

I promised to not give up no matter how hard things may get.

I am working at being proud of myself for every victory big or small.

I am going to celebrate because a win is a win.

I get discouraged easily when someone isn’t encouraging me to continue to follow my heart, my dreams, and my goals. I will continue going.

Everything you want doesn’t come easy but it will be worth it.

I promise I am going to keep going no matter how long it takes me to get to where I am going!

Overcoming

September 11th, 2023 was my last suicide attempt. I made it a month and one day. Every day is a fight and I am proud of myself for overcoming these obstacles I face. One might say it’s not that serious, but that’s the thing all my life nothing was ever that serious. I began cutting myself at the age of 11 and all I heard was it was for attention. At the time I didn’t realize it but that was right, I was trying to get attention from someone to save me from what I experienced as a lie to many. When no one believes you what are you supposed to think. You begin to believe you are nothing, you are not worth anything, not even to your parents. Sibling tend to do their own thing without realizing what is happening around them. They are trying to enjoy life as best as they can.

Growing into an adult, I believed no one could be trusted for real. I had to have my own back. So many trauma and no one to talk to because the last time I tried to talk to someone they made me believe I was crazy saying I tried to kill myself because I was hungry, a lie. It was so much deeper than I could explain. Love was blinding those around me and I had to make myself understand some things are better left unsaid to protect those you love. I have always been dirt, but now I realize I am the soil that helps you grow. I would do anything for anybody no matter what you did to me. People still treat me wrong and I still choose to be kind. I went to the ends of the earth and back for people who wouldn’t give me water if I was dying of thirst.

There are so many things in my head that I will never understand or be able to explain. I am continuing to figure this life out as I go. I am taking life one day at a time. I may fall down but I am striving to get back up for me. Learning how to love myself is hard. Learning to start over is hard. I got this!

Celebrating me today! I made it a month and a day today!

Safe Place

The most beautiful thing I have ever seen
Welcoming
The big space ….. Comfortable
I think I could get use to this
cozy
My world is my home
Everything I need is here
I am fed….. whole
I am loved… unconditional
I am healed….. completely
I am water flowing through viens to refresh your soul into mine when you are inside
There’s no place I’d rather be than home
Laying down all my burdens and picking up peace in the silence of you
soothing my body from the touch of your skin upon mine
I crave your presence when the absence of your aroma is missed
and the sound of dead silence meets me in the middle of nowhere
I sit and take it all in
lock in the comfort of you
My safe place!

I am your light in the dark

Why do you want to be alone

Searching

I am your shoulder

Why do you choose to cry

a puddle into Lakes to seas

What do you need

If I can supply your need will be filled

I am hope. I love. I am light.

I am what you choose to believe

I am everything you need

Reach deep down and see that you all you need!

Words

In My Head

It has been a while since I wrote and honestly, I have missed it. So this evening I am writing what’s in my head.

This is my last week of school and part of me is excited and then part of me is nervous. I will be graduating with a Master’s degree, what an accomplishment. I think my biggest fear is having a degree and not being able to use it. I just want to be successful, this is something I say everyday. I don’t want to let myself down or others around me. I want to be proud of what I have accomplished and I feel like I want others proud of me too.

I know I want to help people but in what way I really don’t know. I have a plan to help people but that is where I am stuck. I am praying that I find my purpose. I have been helping children for years but I don’t want to be a teacher.

All I want to do is be a mommy, this is something I have longed for since I became an adult. I am just in my head thinking thoughts on papers.

I Am Her!!

I Am Her!!

More than it is suppose to

The days are longer now that you are not here

I keep trying to count the minutes in the days that came and gone

I poured myself into you, got the validation from you

I couldn’t get any better without you

Looking for healing from the scars you created

pouring myself and recieving nothing

Didn’t realize the pain I would have to go through

The more I try the more hurt I become

I become more broken than I was. I am searching to found things to replace you

and coming up empty is pretty frustration

No perfect story just determination to get back to you

Anxiety

Heart is racing and I am pacing and I cannot control my thoughts

Darkness has taken over mind, fighting and losing

Don’t want to wake up it’s to hard to do today

Crying thinking I lost this battle yet again

Fighting myself, war in my mind

I feel okay, yes I’m fine, then boom

I am shutting down, triggers can’t quite pen point the issues

Chest pains fighting in rage yet again

The world around me is spinning out of control

My anxiety is kicking in and I am afraid

over reacting over the smallest things

I am not crazy, I don’t know what’s going on with me

Breathe. I know this won’t last always. Breathe

Anxiety, I am more than you and I know I will be free eventually

But until then, I will keep telling myself everyday

I am stronger than this …my anxiety.

#Poem #Anxiety #Poet